If you have ever talked yourself out of something you wanted because you were scared, you are not alone. Fear has a way of disguising itself as logic, especially when it is reinforced by other people’s opinions. One raised eyebrow, one hesitant “Are you sure?”, and suddenly you are shrinking your plans, doubting your instincts, and choosing the option that keeps everyone else comfortable.
The challenge is that fear is not always wrong. Sometimes it signals real risk. But very often, fear is your nervous system trying to protect you from discomfort, uncertainty, or old emotional wounds. When every fear is treated like an emergency, life can slowly become smaller than it needs to be.
In this blog, we explore how to face fears safely, without forcing yourself or ignoring your boundaries. We will also look at how to stop letting other people influence your decisions, especially if you live with anxiety, trauma, burnout, or people-pleasing patterns. The goal is not to become fearless. The goal is to feel steady enough to choose your life on purpose.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO FACE YOUR FEARS
A lot of advice suggests that facing fear means pushing through with sheer willpower, “just do it” energy that often leads to overwhelm or shutdown. That approach is not only unrealistic, it can be harmful.
Facing fears safely means expanding your comfort zone without betraying yourself. It is about building capacity, not forcing compliance. Think of it as strength training for your nervous system. You do not start with the heaviest weight. You start with what is challenging but manageable, and you increase gradually.
WHY FEAR FEELS SO INTENSE
Fear is a full-body response. When your nervous system senses threat, real or perceived, it can shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Fight may show up as irritability, anger, or urgency
Flight can look like avoidance, overworking, or staying busy
Freeze may involve numbness, procrastination, or shutdown
Fawn often includes people-pleasing, over-explaining, or saying yes when you mean no
If you have a history of trauma, chronic stress, or unsafe relationships, your nervous system may be more sensitive. That is not an overreaction, it is your body responding based on past experiences.
The work is not to eliminate fear or shame it away. The work is to create enough safety to practice new choices.
LETTING OTHER PEOPLE CONTROL YOUR DECISIONS
Fear is not always internal. Often, it is social. If you grew up around criticism, unpredictability, or emotional consequences for having needs, you may have learned that keeping others happy felt safer than being honest. Over time, decision-making can become outsourced. You ask for permission. You minimize your preferences. You choose what feels acceptable instead of what feels true. Eventually, this can lead to resentment, burnout, or the unsettling feeling that your life does not quite belong to you.
Signs You May Be People-Pleasing Your Way Out of Your Own Life
You might notice guilt when you say no, even when it is reasonable. You may over-explain simple choices, change your mind after someone reacts, or replay conversations worrying you sounded wrong. Some people feel anxious making even small decisions and dread disappointing others more than disappointing themselves.
This is not a character flaw. It is often a nervous system survival strategy.
A PRACTICAL, STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH
1. Name the Fear Clearly
Vague fear feels overwhelming. Specific fear is workable.
Try completing this sentence:
If I do this, I am afraid that ______ will happen.
For example:
If I set a boundary, I am afraid they will leave.
If I apply for the job, I am afraid I will fail and feel ashamed.
2. Ask: Is This Danger or Discomfort?
This trauma-informed question matters. If the fear is about real danger (abuse, retaliation, coercion), the priority is protection and support. If the fear is about discomfort (awkwardness, uncertainty, growth), the goal is gentle exposure and skill-building.
3. Choose a “Safe-Enough” Version
You do not need to leap into the deepest end. Most nervous systems respond best to gradual steps:
- Think about it and notice your body’s response
- Practice the words out loud
- Try a low-stakes version with a safe person
- Take the bigger step with support
For example, if boundaries are difficult, start with someone who is generally respectful, not the person who tends to push back.
4. Regulate First, Then Act
Regulation is not avoidance. It is preparation. When your body feels safer, your brain makes clearer decisions.
Try:
- Longer-exhale breathing (inhale 4, exhale 6)
- Grounding through your senses
- Dropping your shoulders, unclenching your jaw
- Placing a hand on your chest and repeating: I can do hard things slowly.
5. Decide Based on Values, Not Approval
Values-based questions sound like:
- What matters to me here?
- What choice aligns with who I want to be?
Approval-based questions focus on avoiding discomfort or judgment. You can care about others and still choose yourself.
6. Expect a Vulnerability Hangover
After doing something new, you may feel shaky, regretful, or tempted to undo it. This does not mean you made the wrong choice. It often means you made a brave one. Plan for aftercare: hydrate, eat, rest, ground yourself, or reach out to a safe person.
7. Debrief With Compassion
Instead of “Why am I like this?”, try:
- What did I learn?
- What felt hardest?
- What helped, even slightly?
Progress comes from repetition, not perfection.
HOW TO STOP LETTING OTHERS CONTROL YOUR DECISIONS
Letting go of external control often begins with noticing where you hand over the steering wheel in your life. This commonly shows up around family expectations, relationship dynamics, workplace pressure, social media influence, or deeply ingrained cultural and gendered “shoulds.” When you feel rushed to decide, practice creating a pause.
Simple statements like “Let me think about that,” or “I need some time before deciding,” are not avoidance, they are acts of self-respect. As you build this skill, it helps to use boundaries that are clear and uncomplicated. You do not need to over-explain or justify your choices; phrases such as “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I’ve made my decision,” are often the most effective.
It is also important to allow others to have feelings about your choices without treating those feelings as instructions. Disappointment, confusion, or disagreement does not mean you are doing something wrong. Over time, your nervous system learns through experience, so starting small matters. Choosing the restaurant, saying no to a minor request, or wearing something you genuinely like builds evidence that you can tolerate disapproval and still be safe. Each of these moments reinforces your ability to choose yourself without abandoning connection.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
If fear is running your life, it is not because you are weak. It is because your system has been working overtime. In therapy, you can understand your fear responses, build nervous system regulation skills, and work through trauma that keeps fear stuck on loud. You can also practice boundaries and communication, and learn how to make decisions aligned with your values.
You do not have to do this alone, and you do not have to do it the hard way.
If you are ready to start making choices that belong to you, we can help. Strength Counselling offers online therapy across Canada, with trauma-informed clinicians who understand anxiety, people-pleasing, burnout, and nervous system overwhelm. If you want, you can reach out and we will help match you with a counsellor who fits.